The One With A Limp

Deep in your eyes I see

An old familiar story

Retold with modern flair

I see the story but wonder what it is until

It breaks upon me suddenly.

Fire reflects in your eyes and poetry drips from your lips.

Droplets fall from your brow as you bow in worship.

Doubt and faith are equal in your words and I cannot tell which is stronger.

And I am sure I’ve read this story before if only I could remember where.

Muscles bulge above clenched fists and strength oozes from your body and I see you now as one who wrestles.

Wrestles agaisnt unknown forces coming from the darkness.

Wrestles inspite of almost certain defeat.

Wrestles on because you must have this blessing.

“God must be proud of you”, I think, “to let you wrestle so with him”.

And suddenly the blur comes into focus, and I step back to catch my breath.

I recognize you now.

You must be Jacob’s kin.

Loving Well

The circle grew and shrank as people came and went. We drank 18 gallons of coffee and caught up with dozens of cousins on that wide airy porch. It was fun to connect with relatives from all over and catch up on all the latest family news.

It was a typical yoder gathering in that the main activities were food and conversation.

But they were splendid samples of both.

The big rocking chairs creaked and the two cousins beside me shot sarcastic comments back and forth.

“You’d better be careful,” I warned, “pretty soon y’all won’t even like each other any more”.

“Oh, she’s my cousin. She has to like me” one of them shot back.

And I keep thinking about that.

Although that statement is obviously false judging by the many feuding families across the land, I love that it was her flippant response. I’m glad she experiences family as people who love her unconditionally.

And I though of a quote I’d read recently that said “To love someone long term is to attend a thousand funerals of who they used to be.

I don’t know who said that, but it must have been a very wise person.

The best friends, the ones who last a life time, are the ones who encourage the funerals of our former selves.

The ones who change with us.

Who celebrate and value the person who is today and not some past or idealized self that you can never be again.

Let’s learn to love well.

To hold tightly to love and loosely to what it looks like.

Seeing Jesus

I wrote this on Easter Morning, and then, for some reason, didn’t publish it. So I guess we have some late Easter thoughts this year.

We sang beneath the rising sun this morning in celebration of a risen Savior. The sunlight crept between the tree branches, the birds joined in our singing, and Canada geese flew overhead.

I noticed the geese especially. We almost never see geese here. They don’t fly across these mountains. But this morning while we stood together in worship, they flew directly overhead.

The feminist part of me loves the prominence of the women in the Easter story. I love that it was the women who came to the grave first. That Mary Magdalene was the first to see the risen Lord. I even find an odd satisfaction in the way the women came to the disciples and told them the tomb was empty and “it seemed to them as idle tales and they believed them not.” I bet they regretted that.

I was thinking about that. I think the women believed he had risen. I think that’s why the disciples made fun of them. Apparently they believed something had happened or they wouldn’t have gone to check the tomb for themselves. If the women had only said the tomb was empty they probably would have believed that. It was believing he had risen than was going too far.

I think the women saw the empty tomb and intuitively knew that he had risen. I think they came back excited and full of faith only to have it crushed by “being realistic”. I think they saw the miracle.

I’m blessed to be surrounded by men who value and affirm my spiritual experiences. Men who hear the things I have to say.

But I’ve seen the other side. I’ve seen women go through life never being given the opportunity to share their story. Never having their experience valued.

And I just want to point out that Jesus recognized the women in his world. He appeared to them first.

I also want to point out that the women recognized him more quickly.

That’s a gift we’ve been given.

And I just want to say that if your spiritual journey isn’t being recognized by those around you, it doesn’t make it any less real. While it’s nice to be validated by the people around us, it isn’t vital.

We don’t get to choose the ways or the times that God shows himself to us. Often he comes in ways I don’t expect, in places I thought he would be absent, at times I wasn’t watching.

But He does appear.

Just as he appeared to Mary in the garden.

In ordinary ways.

Identity

One afternoon I drove mountain roads only 30 minutes from home. They were new roads to me. I’d never traveled them before and I realized again how easy it is to miss the beauty that is right in front of us.

It’s easier in springtime. The daffodils light up dark corners, green creeps out of the branches of the forest and birds and frogs find a voice that had been silenced for the long winter.

Perhaps I too, can find a voice to say the things that stirred inside my heart but struggle to find words to say.

I’d like to hold the moments closer, to see the value in everyday things, to recognize the fingerprints of God all around me and to believe that spiritual connections can be found in all the mundane parts of life.

And I’m learning.

I’m learning that my work can be God’s work.

That laughter can be worship

Tears can be a prayer

I’m learning that a hug can be sacred,

A cup of water filled with grace,

A cup of coffee a sacrament,

And any place with a child of God is Holy Ground.

When I remember that all I have is given. That earth is intricately connected to heaven. That what is created by God, is inherently part of God, than everything becomes sacred. We do not bring God down to humanity, we raise humanity to become one with God.

I am a partaker of His holiness.

I am a coworker with God.

I am His.

That My Eyes May See

I was first introduced to lent when I read The story of the Trapp Family Singers. (Yeah that’s right, I read that book before I watched The Sound of Music. Probably the only person who has done that since the movie came out.) I thought it was a funny catholic thing to do and wondered what not eating dessert has to do with being a Christian.

I didn’t think any more about it until I read Lauren Winner’s Girl Meets God. For some reason this book fascinates me and for the first time I began to appreciate the significance of lent as well as many other orthadox practices. I understand the power of ritual. I was quite young when we left the Amish and yet those customs from my early childhood have a strange draw for me. I understand her longing for the ritual and tradition of her Jewish childhood.

And I was fascinated by how she found Christian ritual to take its place.

I chose the one I found the easiest to understand.

Lent.

I would practice Lent.

That first year I followed Lauren’s example. No reading. Nothing except scripture. I found myself with an odd amount of time on my hands. I found myself sitting doing nothing. I fidgeted. I don’t like to be still. But I found myself thinking and praying and meditating.

And the next year I did it again.

Last year, I decided that instead of no reading, it would be no watching anything. No movies, no YouTube, no anything.

It was harder than I thought it would be.

But I love it. I love the ritual of choosing something to sacrifice. The opening of time usually spent unthinkingly. I love the emphasis it puts on Easter. I love the anticipation, the awareness, that we sacrifice now to better rejoice later. I love the connection to God. I love reaching for my book or my phone and remembering that this is lent and instead of reading, I’m going to pray or I’m just going to be still.

And here we are again. It’s Ash Wednesday. My sister and I dug ashes out of the wood stove and drew crosses on our foreheads.

I delete apps from my phone and stack books into my closet.

It is preparation for Easter.

For the Lord to appear.

I don’t want to miss Him.

Into the Forest

It’s a story we’ve all heard.

The story of a tree alone against prevailing winds. A strong tree with deep roots.

When we see a tree like that we step back to admire it’s strength. The thickness of its trunk and the way its leaves stay fresh and green on the hottest summer days.

But there are things that no one ever tells about the lonesome tree. They don’t tell you that one tree alone will never grow as tall as the one in the middle of the forest. They don’t tell you about the scars and the twisted places on its branches. They don’t bother to say that if you cut this tree down, its lumber would be used for solid practical things.

The fine and dainty things are made from forest wood.

Protected wood.

They don’t tell about the times of horrific drought the tree endured to grow those massive roots. They don’t tell about the dead parts, killed by lightning strikes. They don’t bother to tell you that the earth around the strong tree is hard and dry and dusty.

Not cool and moss-covered like the forest tree is surrounded by.

The strong tree is admired for its courage, its strength, and endurance.

The forest tree is admired for its beauty and its height.

I feel like the lone tree sometimes.

I’m thankful for the life that God has given me and the gifts it holds.

But sometimes I mourn the cost.

And being at faith builders for the last five weeks felt a little like being transplanted into the forest for just a tiny bit.

A bit uncomfortable. Not quite what I was used to. But lovely.

Going On

A new year always has us thinking about the future.

About the next step.

About what is ahead.

I’m spending the first five weeks of 2021 at faith builders. Spending time learning, and thinking, and growing closer to God.

But one thing about going forward is that we leave things behind. But we must also carry them along.

The things behind us always shape what is before and every year I realize this more fully.

Sometimes there are things we wish we could truly leave there.

That they would never follow us.

Others we are thankful to carry along.

I grew up in a christian home with parents who taught us about God and e Bible.

I went to a christian school with teachers who modeled what it looks like to be a Christian.

But choosing a faith is different than being in a culture and while we can be both we are not neccesarily.

I lived in fear as a teenager.

Also quite a bit of bitterness towards a God who required so much and gave seemingly so little in return.

I didn’t realize that it was I who had not received what he was trying to give.

I remember making the decision. It was a choice I made deliberately.

I would give God a chance.

I started to read the Bible seriously. I prayed sincerely. And I started to believe.

I remember finding the story of Jarius and how he said to Jesus, “Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief!”

And I prayed that prayer many times.

Sometimes I still pray it.

It is something I am happy to carry along.

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Mishmash

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything that it seems difficult now. The thoughts I think do not readily transform into smooth sentences or even coherent thoughts.

Many times over the past months I’ve thought “I should write about that” but then I don’t.

For no good reason.

I had time, I had things to write about.

But I didn’t.

Recently one of my friends said, “Next year we should both write a book!”

And we should.

Not because we are so good at writing but because writing would make us better writers.

It’s so easy to let life go by while we are working and never stop to wonder if this is what we want to spend our lives doing.

The end of a year, and especially a year like 2020 is a good time to reflect. Maybe a simpler life with less would actually be more.

Maybe we’re so focused on the trees we can’t see the forest.

Or Maybe,

Maybe we should just focus on the tree in front of us and step by step we’ll make our way through forest, always enjoying the spot we’re in.

Maybe we’ve been so focused on getting to the other side that we forgot how welcoming the shade is right here.

Maybe what we really need to learn is contentment.

And maybe what we really want is right in front of us.

If only we could see it.

Missing

I didn’t know I’d miss you so much. The day would be so ordinary if it weren’t for the droplets spilling.

The heart has scars still.

Barely healed.

I brush against roughness and the pain is sudden and sharp.

You went willingly.

It is my heart that bleeds.

The beauty of the night compounds the ache.

The moon shines down.

The same moon above her.

But do you see?