Today’s post is a guest post by my beautiful and wise little sister. This is message is important. It is important for me, a hopeless guilt carrier. It is important for you, because you have pain in your life, because someone, somewhere has more pain than you. Sharon and I love to discuss these things but today she brings it to you. It’s a pleasure to welcome her to my blog space.
Tears were running quietly down my cheek, as sat at my desk pointlessly opening and closing windows 9 on my computer. I had no intention of actually doing anything. I bit my lip, inwardly beating myself. Why was I so stupid, so ungrateful, so selfish as to feel my own pain. How could I? Stop. Stop right now I said to myself fiercely. You have no right, you can’t be doing this, you don’t have time for this drama… But I couldn’t stop my tears. I lay my head on my desk and cried even harder, the deep sense of guilt only increasing my pain.
It was only 3 months since they had moved 24 hours from their home, leaving the life they had lived and loved for 15 years. All that was familiar and secure. My aunt looked tired. She was quiet- a broken aura about her. Tears came to my eyes as I watched her and thought of what a funny, happy aunt she always was. I could see the pain in her eyes and in her words. She was hurting, feeling so much pain from all she’s left and misses every day. I have so much to be grateful for, I thought, I can’t imagine moving 24 hours away from my dear mountains.
Her hands fidgeted endlessly with the coffee cup, her eyes fastened on it as if her life depended on it. Slowly, Slowly, she was falling apart. Her lips trembled and tears gently made their way down her cheek as she talked. ” I don’t trust myself anymore,” she finished. My heart almost stopped, what she had just told me was serious. I watched her face carefully as I asked her more questions. Questions no 15 year old should even be thinking of. She denied everything with big sorrowful eyes so full of pain that I couldn’t believe she was telling the truth. I sat there with my head bowed. How have things gotten this bad? ‘ I have so much to be thankful for, I thought to myself, I can’t imagine the pain she must be feeling.
He bit his lip hard, too hard, I wondered if he’d get a sore. He started out the window at nothing. It’s so hard to forgive, he whispered, his voice strangled. I watched him swallow, his eyes blink fast, but a lone tear escaped and trailed down his face. His family was torn apart. All lost in their own pain, and hurting each other. The situation looked hopeless. I have so much to be thankful for I thought. I can’t imagine how it would be if my parents would seperate.
“The thing is,” she said looking straight into my eyes, ” is that nobody knows or cares if I read my bible or not” I could see she cared. Deep down she really did want to do what was right. She was only asking for someone to care enough to tell her no. Being left alone hurts. ‘No one cares ‘ it was a lie she had told herself so often, and she had come to believe it. She didn’t cry, she wasnt even close to tears. She was beyond that and that scared me. “I have so much to be grateful for,” I whispered, “to be held accountable is to be secure.” And I whispered a prayer of thankfulness for my dad.
She sat on the seat, her cousins on each side, one consistently hitting her the other one chanting, “Garbage, garbage, shes just garbage”
She sat completely still, crying softly. The lies penetrating and poisoning her little brain. Just before that I held another little girl close. She was so angry she shook all over. She had just finished her destruction in the classroom. She grabbed all the crayons dumped them across the floor knocked the chairs over and grabbed one and hit the wall with all her strength. As I held her quivering body, tears ran down my cheeks and I started praying. She went limp in my arms. An hour before that when picking up yet another little girl, she jumped excitedly in the truck ” I’m excited because Dan is coming tonight!” She exclaimed. “Who is Dan?” I asked smiling, as I helped her in the truck. ” My moms boyfriend,” she answered, “I like him because he kisses me all over!” My smile disappeared. She always had a glazed, sad look in her eyes. Was this why?”I have so much to be thankful for,” I thought. A care free childhood seems an unusual thing today
“How big will you make yours?” My grandma asked. “It doesn’t matter,”my mom answered, “just make it how you like it. It should reflect your personality.” My grandma was not happy with this answer. It was hard for her to do things without specific instructions for fear she would do it wrong. I just stood there and stared at her for a bit and wondered how at 72 years old one could still be so insecure. It was sad, so very sad. I thought of how many times her own father had ridiculed her, how many times she believed she had done things wrong just because she had done them the way that was right for herself. How many times she believed people didn’t like her simply because people didn’t understand what she was trying to say. I cried a bit for my grandma that night and I thought to myself “I have so much to be grateful about. How few have the teaching and education that I have?”
My family was hurting too. Change is hard on us all and this whole wedding thing was harder than most of us had realized it could ever be.
Neither were these situations the only ones that were on my mind.
The fact is everyone is hurting in some way- today – however much or little that may be. My tears subsided as I lay there on my desk and I came to a conclusion. It was ok for me to feel my own pain. It’s ok. ( dv told me that only like a million times!) Actually I must. There is nothing to be guilty about. Just because my pain is not as great as someone else’s doesn’t mean it’s not pain -doesn’t mean I shouldn’t feel it. God has given each of us a unique story and we have to believe in it. We have to stop and feel our own pain. We won’t get anywhere until we stop and let ourselves feel it, accept ourselves and the pain that we personally have. When we deny that, we deny who God has created us to be. You won’t be able to help others, to be there in someone else’s pain if you don’t work through your own.
Let it make you better.